$5.13
Starbucks grande soy chai latte (best drink ever)
about $5
That makes me want to die. Though I do appreciate the splash stick they've implemented.
This also makes me sad and nauseous: Good luck trying to be middle-class, New Yorkers.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
It depends on the day
Subway turkey breast sammich with the fixin's plus Baked Doritos (eff yeah)
$5.13
Starbucks grande soy chai latte (best drink ever)
about $5
That makes me want to die. Though I do appreciate the splash stick they've implemented.
This also makes me sad and nauseous: Good luck trying to be middle-class, New Yorkers.
$5.13
Starbucks grande soy chai latte (best drink ever)
about $5
That makes me want to die. Though I do appreciate the splash stick they've implemented.
This also makes me sad and nauseous: Good luck trying to be middle-class, New Yorkers.
The art of the hug + cheek kiss
I'm going to admit a short-coming I have, right here, right now. I cannot elegantly do the hug plus cheek kiss. I know, can I walk and talk? Yes I can. What I can't figure out is how to couple the hug movement with the face movement in order to kiss the hugee yet allow the hugee to reciprocate the kiss, ie not moving your head to little or too much while still maintaining appropriate hug firmness.
Who thought of this idea anyway? Can't we just keep them separate? I almost prefer the French version which includes two cheek kisses. That way, the motion is deliberate and pretty much EVERYONE who does it has to concentrate, so any flubs are more easily forgiven.
The other issue is never being able to tell when the other person is going to do the cheek kiss. Sure, if you're a reporter meeting an actress at a downtown hotel/loft, then yes, it's safe to say you'll get the hug/cheek kiss. However, normal people never turn in for the kill until they're safely out of your peripheral.
So, I have a few rules I've decided to follow in this matter. I hope you will, too:
1. Never, EVER do the hug + cheek kiss. Ever. No matter what city you're in, no matter the custom. There's a moratorium on this, and it starts now.
2. When people do this move to you, make a big show of how much you don't like it. "Wow. Gross." is an appropriate response.
3. Or, make a big show of how much you don't "do that sort of thing." "Oh, okay, you do that? I don't really do that sort of thing." and then walk away and throw your coat elegantly on a chair. (note: if there are no chairs, throw the coat at the person you just hugged)
4. START doing a revised version of the hug. Hug the person tightly, rest your head slightly sideways on their shoulder, then exhale audibly. It'll show them how much you really want to be touching them.
5. or START doing an emotionally and physically detached version of the hug. When arriving at your destination, quickly mime a hug, blow an air-kiss, then sit down as quickly as possible before the person can put their hands on you.
Good luck!
Who thought of this idea anyway? Can't we just keep them separate? I almost prefer the French version which includes two cheek kisses. That way, the motion is deliberate and pretty much EVERYONE who does it has to concentrate, so any flubs are more easily forgiven.
The other issue is never being able to tell when the other person is going to do the cheek kiss. Sure, if you're a reporter meeting an actress at a downtown hotel/loft, then yes, it's safe to say you'll get the hug/cheek kiss. However, normal people never turn in for the kill until they're safely out of your peripheral.
So, I have a few rules I've decided to follow in this matter. I hope you will, too:
1. Never, EVER do the hug + cheek kiss. Ever. No matter what city you're in, no matter the custom. There's a moratorium on this, and it starts now.
2. When people do this move to you, make a big show of how much you don't like it. "Wow. Gross." is an appropriate response.
3. Or, make a big show of how much you don't "do that sort of thing." "Oh, okay, you do that? I don't really do that sort of thing." and then walk away and throw your coat elegantly on a chair. (note: if there are no chairs, throw the coat at the person you just hugged)
4. START doing a revised version of the hug. Hug the person tightly, rest your head slightly sideways on their shoulder, then exhale audibly. It'll show them how much you really want to be touching them.
5. or START doing an emotionally and physically detached version of the hug. When arriving at your destination, quickly mime a hug, blow an air-kiss, then sit down as quickly as possible before the person can put their hands on you.
Good luck!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
COMING SOON: "YOU'RE NO SODERBERGH."
Just in time for the Oscars...
A new movie-review VLOG that's guaranteed to be dumber than you'd expect.
COMING SOON.
Only on APESHIT!!
A new movie-review VLOG that's guaranteed to be dumber than you'd expect.
COMING SOON.
Only on APESHIT!!
babysitters4hire profile
April
 | Basic Information | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ID#: | ***153 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| First Name: | April | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Gender: | Female | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Age: | 23 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Height/Weight: | 5' 10" | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Location: | Brooklyn, NY 11215 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rate: | $40/hour | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
To view contact information, references and more: or  | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Experience | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Nanny Experience: | No nanny experience | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Babysitting Experience: | No babysitting experience | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Level of Education: | Other | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Certifications: | None | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Spoken Languages: | Some English | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Smokes: | Yes | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Can Swim: | No - HATE water. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Driver's License: | No | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Has Vehicle: | Can get one pretty easily, if you know what I mean. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Interests and Availability | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Childcare Interests: | This babysitter would prefer to care for children ages 7+ with family sizes up to 1 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Need a babysitter now? | This babysitter is normally NOT available on short notice! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| What makes you a fantastic, trusted, fun babysitter? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I don't know if you've noticed, but times are tough right now. Is babysitting my first choice when it comes to extra income? No. Was it my second, third, or, hell, fourth choice? Nope. But I found myself reading Time Out New York's fascinating article and here I am. I find this question to be leading. It assumes that I am, in fact, a fantastic, trusted and fun babysitter. I don't actually know this to be true, as (see above) I have no nannying or babysitting experience. What I do know is that television and video games are a 24-hour thing, and me coupled with that could possibly be an entertaining and mostly dangerous-less experience. Now, I have a question for you. How nice is your pad, prospective parents of my new money-maker? Is your fridge stocked? And, if not, can I have your Fresh Direct log-in information so I can promptly order the staples that I will require? Also, do you have wireless? Is the IP address on your computer trace-able? Pls let me know ASAP. Thx. Additionally, how loud is your kid? Does he or she tend to leak out of their nose? Are they house-trained? Do they sleep most of the day? Do they require meals? Do they require outside time? How many hours out of the day can I leave them unattended? OK back to me: In conclusion, kids are awesome! I totally want ONE of my own one day! Albeit one who's quiet and well-trained! I have a positive attitude and remain calm even in difficult situations! I'm also extremely punctual and follow the rules of the house! Let me be your babysitter today! NOTE: I am also available for house- and/or pet-sitting!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
AY, AY GIRL
HEY GIRLHow come your left eye looks so damn wonky? Also, why you tryin to be like Miley Cyrus? Ay, how you do dat?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
HEY GIRL
HEY GIRL,
I like pretending we're recreating TITANIC, except I'm really gonna throw your pale, annoying ass off my fancy yacht. Keep laughing.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
New April
Subject: i am alive, fyi
thought you should know. that your best friend is alive and well. i am not dead. i repeat, NOT dead.
But are you still human?
LOW BLOW!!!!!!!!!!
That's not really an answer New April.
i'm old april! but i guess that's what new april would say huh? oh wait, this is like that scene in alice in WUNDERLUND where they won't let alice in because they don't believe it's her. b/c she's lost her MUCHNESS. omg it's like life imitating art imitating life!!!!!!!
Old April would NEVER lose her Muchness. I shall have to ask you a question only Old April could answer:
WHAT? only YOU would know this because you made it up. i THINK it's the 70s for the decade but what fad?! what is even considered a fad?? i'm so confused.
I knew we'd lost her.....
come on tellll meeeee and then give me another question.
DUH. April was a blend of a hipster and the 70's. But in a cool way.
HIPSTER!!!! that's a FAD? are you kidding me. it's a lifestyle, if anything, or a type of people in NYC/LA. if you had correctly identified that, maybe i could have gotten it.
new april will be able to give you everything and more old april could. now with more wit!
Would a normal person have said, "if you had correctly identified that, maybe i could have gotten it" NO. Only newly minted carbon monoxide aliens say things like that.
i can tell you're hungry right now. and just got to work. how's that?
i did. also, i just ate some yogurt, too. WEIRD.
thought you should know. that your best friend is alive and well. i am not dead. i repeat, NOT dead.
But are you still human?
LOW BLOW!!!!!!!!!!
That's not really an answer New April.
i'm old april! but i guess that's what new april would say huh? oh wait, this is like that scene in alice in WUNDERLUND where they won't let alice in because they don't believe it's her. b/c she's lost her MUCHNESS. omg it's like life imitating art imitating life!!!!!!!
Old April would NEVER lose her Muchness. I shall have to ask you a question only Old April could answer:
What is Old April a cross between?
(hint: it's a fad and a decade)WHAT? only YOU would know this because you made it up. i THINK it's the 70s for the decade but what fad?! what is even considered a fad?? i'm so confused.
I knew we'd lost her.....
come on tellll meeeee and then give me another question.
DUH. April was a blend of a hipster and the 70's. But in a cool way.
I wonder what New April will be like. Obviously she's a liar.
HIPSTER!!!! that's a FAD? are you kidding me. it's a lifestyle, if anything, or a type of people in NYC/LA. if you had correctly identified that, maybe i could have gotten it.
new april will be able to give you everything and more old april could. now with more wit!
Would a normal person have said, "if you had correctly identified that, maybe i could have gotten it" NO. Only newly minted carbon monoxide aliens say things like that.
But I'm excited to get to know New April.
I'm glad you're not dead. I was hoping for a text or an email. Can New April read my thoughts?
i can tell you're hungry right now. and just got to work. how's that?
I did get to work, early @ 8:30. I had to let the cleaning lady in the house. And you're not wrong, I haven't eaten my yogurt yet. But I'm not hungry exactly. I'm still waking up.
Of course, since you're a fucking mind reading alien you knew all that already. DIDN'T YOU!?!i did. also, i just ate some yogurt, too. WEIRD.
Breaking News
NEW YORK (AP) - On a dark, blistery night in picturesque Park Slope, Brooklyn, an attractive and successful young woman was watching television. All seemed to be normal until a loud alarm began sounding down the hall. Due to the fact that the young woman's apartment is so large, it took her quite a while to reach the screeching sound. Upon arrival, she noted that the detector was shouting at her. "CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTED!!"
"I thought the battery was dead or something. I just thought, this canNOT be happening to me," stated the young woman." My second thought was, how can I turn this f***ing thing DOWN."
The "silent killer" had manifested itself into her residence, which is also her workplace. "I spend a lot of time here, so this totally freaked me out," she confessed.
Not soon after the third floor alarm sounded, the fourth and second floors followed. Clearly, something was afoot.
The woman swiftly and expertly dialed 911, and the fire department was rushed to the scene. Clamoring up the carpeted stairs to the Castle that awaited them on the third floor, they immediately seized the stove and dryer, cutting off the gas line that went to both. As they were unsure what the culprit was, they took every precaution.
One burly fireman with a thick Queens accent had this to say: "Well, here's the deal. When the detector says there's a level of CO higher than 9, we evacuate. There were parts of this apartment that were in the 30s."
Upon inspection of the basement, the additional firemen found levels of CO "through the roof" and blamed a potentially faulty boiler for the toxic gases. It was promptly shut off, and everyone braced themselves for a cold, hot-showerless night. Especially with the windows open to ventilate each apartment, the entire building quickly became an "icebox."
The brave young woman, unlike other New York residents, will NOT be moving back to her hometown using this as a thinly-veiled excuse to hide from the mounting unsuccessful 'acting' career she may or may not have been trying to pursue.
To send donations to the victims, please make checks out to Now is the New Please in multiples of $25.
"I thought the battery was dead or something. I just thought, this canNOT be happening to me," stated the young woman." My second thought was, how can I turn this f***ing thing DOWN."
The "silent killer" had manifested itself into her residence, which is also her workplace. "I spend a lot of time here, so this totally freaked me out," she confessed.
Not soon after the third floor alarm sounded, the fourth and second floors followed. Clearly, something was afoot.
The woman swiftly and expertly dialed 911, and the fire department was rushed to the scene. Clamoring up the carpeted stairs to the Castle that awaited them on the third floor, they immediately seized the stove and dryer, cutting off the gas line that went to both. As they were unsure what the culprit was, they took every precaution.
One burly fireman with a thick Queens accent had this to say: "Well, here's the deal. When the detector says there's a level of CO higher than 9, we evacuate. There were parts of this apartment that were in the 30s."
Upon inspection of the basement, the additional firemen found levels of CO "through the roof" and blamed a potentially faulty boiler for the toxic gases. It was promptly shut off, and everyone braced themselves for a cold, hot-showerless night. Especially with the windows open to ventilate each apartment, the entire building quickly became an "icebox."
The brave young woman, unlike other New York residents, will NOT be moving back to her hometown using this as a thinly-veiled excuse to hide from the mounting unsuccessful 'acting' career she may or may not have been trying to pursue.
To send donations to the victims, please make checks out to Now is the New Please in multiples of $25.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
