Why asking for business class is probably the way to go

Why did you even have to ask? Yes, business class is the way to go. Sure it costs more, but it's fucking awesome. Plus, if you can get someone else to pay for it, even better. Sometimes all you have to do is ask. Just be like, hey internet or hey ticket counter lady (but who goes to the ticket counter nowadays?!) I'd like a free upgrade. Just say it just like that. Cause why the eff not.

It's so much better up there. Not only do they give you free champagne or orange juice or sparkling water (!) when you sit down, they totally give free hands massages and back massages. No happy endings I heard, but you can't have everything.

I bet you're wondering, why did I say business class and not first class? Because I'm not a greedy bitch, idiot. Also, there are few differences in first class. Yes, you get more toppings on your salad, yes you get to eat first, yes you get an extra hot towel before the warm cookies come out at the end, yes you get said warm cookies first. But big deal. All you gotta do is pop a valium BEFORE your meal instead of after it. Problem solved.

Also, I'm pretty sure they don't allow men to work in first class or business class, and I really appreciate that. Men are gruff, as we all know, and I want a lady with soft, small hands to hand me my towel, food, DVD player, and lightly tap my headrest when I've fallen into the aisle, drooling, on Valium. Okay, well, I didn't say life was perfect.

I would also recommend not going for the window seat ever. It's a waste, completely. You're better off sitting in the aisle, because then you have strict control over when and for how long you and your seat-mate (aka, omg are you seriously using that much of the arm rest) can use the toilet. It's like plane etiquette. And if you're worried about the sunlight or whatevs coming in through that other dude's window and ruining your coma nap, don't worry. Just fucking pull the window shades shut right away and don't let that shit open again. Seriously. Not that hard.

Plus, you're so close to the front of the plane, and DUH in an aisle seat, that you can easily jump through the large aisles in first class to be the first, second or third person off the plane. It's that easy. Don't forget to have your man-servant get your bag from the overhead compartment before you bum-rush the front of the plane. Who am I kidding, my man-servant checks my baggage and sits in coach.