$5.13
Starbucks grande soy chai latte (best drink ever)
about $5
That makes me want to die. Though I do appreciate the splash stick they've implemented.
This also makes me sad and nauseous: Good luck trying to be middle-class, New Yorkers.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
It depends on the day
Subway turkey breast sammich with the fixin's plus Baked Doritos (eff yeah)
$5.13
Starbucks grande soy chai latte (best drink ever)
about $5
That makes me want to die. Though I do appreciate the splash stick they've implemented.
This also makes me sad and nauseous: Good luck trying to be middle-class, New Yorkers.
$5.13
Starbucks grande soy chai latte (best drink ever)
about $5
That makes me want to die. Though I do appreciate the splash stick they've implemented.
This also makes me sad and nauseous: Good luck trying to be middle-class, New Yorkers.
The art of the hug + cheek kiss
I'm going to admit a short-coming I have, right here, right now. I cannot elegantly do the hug plus cheek kiss. I know, can I walk and talk? Yes I can. What I can't figure out is how to couple the hug movement with the face movement in order to kiss the hugee yet allow the hugee to reciprocate the kiss, ie not moving your head to little or too much while still maintaining appropriate hug firmness.
Who thought of this idea anyway? Can't we just keep them separate? I almost prefer the French version which includes two cheek kisses. That way, the motion is deliberate and pretty much EVERYONE who does it has to concentrate, so any flubs are more easily forgiven.
The other issue is never being able to tell when the other person is going to do the cheek kiss. Sure, if you're a reporter meeting an actress at a downtown hotel/loft, then yes, it's safe to say you'll get the hug/cheek kiss. However, normal people never turn in for the kill until they're safely out of your peripheral.
So, I have a few rules I've decided to follow in this matter. I hope you will, too:
1. Never, EVER do the hug + cheek kiss. Ever. No matter what city you're in, no matter the custom. There's a moratorium on this, and it starts now.
2. When people do this move to you, make a big show of how much you don't like it. "Wow. Gross." is an appropriate response.
3. Or, make a big show of how much you don't "do that sort of thing." "Oh, okay, you do that? I don't really do that sort of thing." and then walk away and throw your coat elegantly on a chair. (note: if there are no chairs, throw the coat at the person you just hugged)
4. START doing a revised version of the hug. Hug the person tightly, rest your head slightly sideways on their shoulder, then exhale audibly. It'll show them how much you really want to be touching them.
5. or START doing an emotionally and physically detached version of the hug. When arriving at your destination, quickly mime a hug, blow an air-kiss, then sit down as quickly as possible before the person can put their hands on you.
Good luck!
Who thought of this idea anyway? Can't we just keep them separate? I almost prefer the French version which includes two cheek kisses. That way, the motion is deliberate and pretty much EVERYONE who does it has to concentrate, so any flubs are more easily forgiven.
The other issue is never being able to tell when the other person is going to do the cheek kiss. Sure, if you're a reporter meeting an actress at a downtown hotel/loft, then yes, it's safe to say you'll get the hug/cheek kiss. However, normal people never turn in for the kill until they're safely out of your peripheral.
So, I have a few rules I've decided to follow in this matter. I hope you will, too:
1. Never, EVER do the hug + cheek kiss. Ever. No matter what city you're in, no matter the custom. There's a moratorium on this, and it starts now.
2. When people do this move to you, make a big show of how much you don't like it. "Wow. Gross." is an appropriate response.
3. Or, make a big show of how much you don't "do that sort of thing." "Oh, okay, you do that? I don't really do that sort of thing." and then walk away and throw your coat elegantly on a chair. (note: if there are no chairs, throw the coat at the person you just hugged)
4. START doing a revised version of the hug. Hug the person tightly, rest your head slightly sideways on their shoulder, then exhale audibly. It'll show them how much you really want to be touching them.
5. or START doing an emotionally and physically detached version of the hug. When arriving at your destination, quickly mime a hug, blow an air-kiss, then sit down as quickly as possible before the person can put their hands on you.
Good luck!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
COMING SOON: "YOU'RE NO SODERBERGH."
Just in time for the Oscars...
A new movie-review VLOG that's guaranteed to be dumber than you'd expect.
COMING SOON.
Only on APESHIT!!
A new movie-review VLOG that's guaranteed to be dumber than you'd expect.
COMING SOON.
Only on APESHIT!!
babysitters4hire profile
April
 | Basic Information | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ID#: | ***153 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| First Name: | April | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Gender: | Female | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Age: | 23 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Height/Weight: | 5' 10" | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Location: | Brooklyn, NY 11215 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rate: | $40/hour | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
To view contact information, references and more: or  | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Experience | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Nanny Experience: | No nanny experience | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Babysitting Experience: | No babysitting experience | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Level of Education: | Other | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Certifications: | None | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Spoken Languages: | Some English | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Smokes: | Yes | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Can Swim: | No - HATE water. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Driver's License: | No | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Has Vehicle: | Can get one pretty easily, if you know what I mean. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Interests and Availability | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Childcare Interests: | This babysitter would prefer to care for children ages 7+ with family sizes up to 1 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Need a babysitter now? | This babysitter is normally NOT available on short notice! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| What makes you a fantastic, trusted, fun babysitter? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I don't know if you've noticed, but times are tough right now. Is babysitting my first choice when it comes to extra income? No. Was it my second, third, or, hell, fourth choice? Nope. But I found myself reading Time Out New York's fascinating article and here I am. I find this question to be leading. It assumes that I am, in fact, a fantastic, trusted and fun babysitter. I don't actually know this to be true, as (see above) I have no nannying or babysitting experience. What I do know is that television and video games are a 24-hour thing, and me coupled with that could possibly be an entertaining and mostly dangerous-less experience. Now, I have a question for you. How nice is your pad, prospective parents of my new money-maker? Is your fridge stocked? And, if not, can I have your Fresh Direct log-in information so I can promptly order the staples that I will require? Also, do you have wireless? Is the IP address on your computer trace-able? Pls let me know ASAP. Thx. Additionally, how loud is your kid? Does he or she tend to leak out of their nose? Are they house-trained? Do they sleep most of the day? Do they require meals? Do they require outside time? How many hours out of the day can I leave them unattended? OK back to me: In conclusion, kids are awesome! I totally want ONE of my own one day! Albeit one who's quiet and well-trained! I have a positive attitude and remain calm even in difficult situations! I'm also extremely punctual and follow the rules of the house! Let me be your babysitter today! NOTE: I am also available for house- and/or pet-sitting!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
AY, AY GIRL
HEY GIRLHow come your left eye looks so damn wonky? Also, why you tryin to be like Miley Cyrus? Ay, how you do dat?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
HEY GIRL
HEY GIRL,
I like pretending we're recreating TITANIC, except I'm really gonna throw your pale, annoying ass off my fancy yacht. Keep laughing.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
New April
Subject: i am alive, fyi
thought you should know. that your best friend is alive and well. i am not dead. i repeat, NOT dead.
But are you still human?
LOW BLOW!!!!!!!!!!
That's not really an answer New April.
i'm old april! but i guess that's what new april would say huh? oh wait, this is like that scene in alice in WUNDERLUND where they won't let alice in because they don't believe it's her. b/c she's lost her MUCHNESS. omg it's like life imitating art imitating life!!!!!!!
Old April would NEVER lose her Muchness. I shall have to ask you a question only Old April could answer:
WHAT? only YOU would know this because you made it up. i THINK it's the 70s for the decade but what fad?! what is even considered a fad?? i'm so confused.
I knew we'd lost her.....
come on tellll meeeee and then give me another question.
DUH. April was a blend of a hipster and the 70's. But in a cool way.
HIPSTER!!!! that's a FAD? are you kidding me. it's a lifestyle, if anything, or a type of people in NYC/LA. if you had correctly identified that, maybe i could have gotten it.
new april will be able to give you everything and more old april could. now with more wit!
Would a normal person have said, "if you had correctly identified that, maybe i could have gotten it" NO. Only newly minted carbon monoxide aliens say things like that.
i can tell you're hungry right now. and just got to work. how's that?
i did. also, i just ate some yogurt, too. WEIRD.
thought you should know. that your best friend is alive and well. i am not dead. i repeat, NOT dead.
But are you still human?
LOW BLOW!!!!!!!!!!
That's not really an answer New April.
i'm old april! but i guess that's what new april would say huh? oh wait, this is like that scene in alice in WUNDERLUND where they won't let alice in because they don't believe it's her. b/c she's lost her MUCHNESS. omg it's like life imitating art imitating life!!!!!!!
Old April would NEVER lose her Muchness. I shall have to ask you a question only Old April could answer:
What is Old April a cross between?
(hint: it's a fad and a decade)WHAT? only YOU would know this because you made it up. i THINK it's the 70s for the decade but what fad?! what is even considered a fad?? i'm so confused.
I knew we'd lost her.....
come on tellll meeeee and then give me another question.
DUH. April was a blend of a hipster and the 70's. But in a cool way.
I wonder what New April will be like. Obviously she's a liar.
HIPSTER!!!! that's a FAD? are you kidding me. it's a lifestyle, if anything, or a type of people in NYC/LA. if you had correctly identified that, maybe i could have gotten it.
new april will be able to give you everything and more old april could. now with more wit!
Would a normal person have said, "if you had correctly identified that, maybe i could have gotten it" NO. Only newly minted carbon monoxide aliens say things like that.
But I'm excited to get to know New April.
I'm glad you're not dead. I was hoping for a text or an email. Can New April read my thoughts?
i can tell you're hungry right now. and just got to work. how's that?
I did get to work, early @ 8:30. I had to let the cleaning lady in the house. And you're not wrong, I haven't eaten my yogurt yet. But I'm not hungry exactly. I'm still waking up.
Of course, since you're a fucking mind reading alien you knew all that already. DIDN'T YOU!?!i did. also, i just ate some yogurt, too. WEIRD.
Breaking News
NEW YORK (AP) - On a dark, blistery night in picturesque Park Slope, Brooklyn, an attractive and successful young woman was watching television. All seemed to be normal until a loud alarm began sounding down the hall. Due to the fact that the young woman's apartment is so large, it took her quite a while to reach the screeching sound. Upon arrival, she noted that the detector was shouting at her. "CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTED!!"
"I thought the battery was dead or something. I just thought, this canNOT be happening to me," stated the young woman." My second thought was, how can I turn this f***ing thing DOWN."
The "silent killer" had manifested itself into her residence, which is also her workplace. "I spend a lot of time here, so this totally freaked me out," she confessed.
Not soon after the third floor alarm sounded, the fourth and second floors followed. Clearly, something was afoot.
The woman swiftly and expertly dialed 911, and the fire department was rushed to the scene. Clamoring up the carpeted stairs to the Castle that awaited them on the third floor, they immediately seized the stove and dryer, cutting off the gas line that went to both. As they were unsure what the culprit was, they took every precaution.
One burly fireman with a thick Queens accent had this to say: "Well, here's the deal. When the detector says there's a level of CO higher than 9, we evacuate. There were parts of this apartment that were in the 30s."
Upon inspection of the basement, the additional firemen found levels of CO "through the roof" and blamed a potentially faulty boiler for the toxic gases. It was promptly shut off, and everyone braced themselves for a cold, hot-showerless night. Especially with the windows open to ventilate each apartment, the entire building quickly became an "icebox."
The brave young woman, unlike other New York residents, will NOT be moving back to her hometown using this as a thinly-veiled excuse to hide from the mounting unsuccessful 'acting' career she may or may not have been trying to pursue.
To send donations to the victims, please make checks out to Now is the New Please in multiples of $25.
"I thought the battery was dead or something. I just thought, this canNOT be happening to me," stated the young woman." My second thought was, how can I turn this f***ing thing DOWN."
The "silent killer" had manifested itself into her residence, which is also her workplace. "I spend a lot of time here, so this totally freaked me out," she confessed.
Not soon after the third floor alarm sounded, the fourth and second floors followed. Clearly, something was afoot.
The woman swiftly and expertly dialed 911, and the fire department was rushed to the scene. Clamoring up the carpeted stairs to the Castle that awaited them on the third floor, they immediately seized the stove and dryer, cutting off the gas line that went to both. As they were unsure what the culprit was, they took every precaution.
One burly fireman with a thick Queens accent had this to say: "Well, here's the deal. When the detector says there's a level of CO higher than 9, we evacuate. There were parts of this apartment that were in the 30s."
Upon inspection of the basement, the additional firemen found levels of CO "through the roof" and blamed a potentially faulty boiler for the toxic gases. It was promptly shut off, and everyone braced themselves for a cold, hot-showerless night. Especially with the windows open to ventilate each apartment, the entire building quickly became an "icebox."
The brave young woman, unlike other New York residents, will NOT be moving back to her hometown using this as a thinly-veiled excuse to hide from the mounting unsuccessful 'acting' career she may or may not have been trying to pursue.
To send donations to the victims, please make checks out to Now is the New Please in multiples of $25.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Open letter to the houseboy
Dear Houseboy,
Hi, it's great to have you here at 511, aka The Castle. Please make yourself at home here. I know I have. I've also made it my work, so please respect that (no, I'm not unemployed you dimwit). As in, do not make noise over 10 decibels and stay in your room (the back laundry room--yes, I have a laundry ROOM) unless you are making me food, fixing appliances or picking up my mail for me. Or turning on the TV since I can't get up off the couch. In fact, let's talk later about which new TV at Best Buy in Chelsea I'd like to pick out and have delivered to my room.
As you recall in our initial interview, this is the perfect way to learn about the job and get your foot in the door. Yes, as of right now this is an "unpaid internship" (I don't know why I put that in quotes, it is in fact unpaid and also an internship), but there is room to grow. If you pay attention.
However, I've noticed some things I'd like to help you with. And since we don't speak except through electronic means, here are my suggestions typed neatly below:
1. You are not my boyfriend. And you never will be. But you will make me food and buy the groceries.
2. Please no longer use Crisco when making cookies. It seems better than using butter, but let's be honest, that shit blows. It tastes like a block of salt and the cookies don't rise properly. To be honest, I can't believe I have to even tell you this one.
3. I hate cilantro. However, I do like southwest-inspired dishes with the cilantro removed from the recipe or, if needed, picked out by hand from my Southwestern Cobb Salad from Dizzy's.
4. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT CLEANING UP. Your standards of cleaning are not my crazy anal standards of cleaning, so you better just resign yourself to learning my ways now. Also, yes, I can smell that. Take the trash out.
5. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT TURNING OFF THE STOVE BURNERS. If you don't turn them off properly then they. will. leak. gas. Are you trying to kill us don't answer that...
6. Don't touch my Breyer's Strawberry ice cream in the freezer.
I hope this clears up any miscommunication. Also, please bring me a HangOverBuster Super Juice cocktail (with soy) to my door within the hour.
Sincerely,
Princess Number One
Hi, it's great to have you here at 511, aka The Castle. Please make yourself at home here. I know I have. I've also made it my work, so please respect that (no, I'm not unemployed you dimwit). As in, do not make noise over 10 decibels and stay in your room (the back laundry room--yes, I have a laundry ROOM) unless you are making me food, fixing appliances or picking up my mail for me. Or turning on the TV since I can't get up off the couch. In fact, let's talk later about which new TV at Best Buy in Chelsea I'd like to pick out and have delivered to my room.
As you recall in our initial interview, this is the perfect way to learn about the job and get your foot in the door. Yes, as of right now this is an "unpaid internship" (I don't know why I put that in quotes, it is in fact unpaid and also an internship), but there is room to grow. If you pay attention.
However, I've noticed some things I'd like to help you with. And since we don't speak except through electronic means, here are my suggestions typed neatly below:
1. You are not my boyfriend. And you never will be. But you will make me food and buy the groceries.
2. Please no longer use Crisco when making cookies. It seems better than using butter, but let's be honest, that shit blows. It tastes like a block of salt and the cookies don't rise properly. To be honest, I can't believe I have to even tell you this one.
3. I hate cilantro. However, I do like southwest-inspired dishes with the cilantro removed from the recipe or, if needed, picked out by hand from my Southwestern Cobb Salad from Dizzy's.
4. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT CLEANING UP. Your standards of cleaning are not my crazy anal standards of cleaning, so you better just resign yourself to learning my ways now. Also, yes, I can smell that. Take the trash out.
5. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT TURNING OFF THE STOVE BURNERS. If you don't turn them off properly then they. will. leak. gas. Are you trying to kill us don't answer that...
6. Don't touch my Breyer's Strawberry ice cream in the freezer.
I hope this clears up any miscommunication. Also, please bring me a HangOverBuster Super Juice cocktail (with soy) to my door within the hour.
Sincerely,
Princess Number One
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
How bout you don't do that so near me
How about you not do your boyfriend in a public theater while I'm watching Benjamin Button? How bout that? Do you think you could restrain yourself for 2 hours and 45 minutes? Can you?
Clearly, you can't.
Recap:
I go to see Benjamin Button today at the theater a few blocks from my apartment. Recently, I've been down on going to the movies in general in New York because of the low level of scum I come across more often than not. To diverge a little bit, here are the most annoying people in a theater, most annoying first:
1. A couple who comes in late with 3 shopping bags each, 2 coats and concessions decide to sit directly next to you even though there are tons of seats. And then proceed to talk throughout the entire movie.
2. A group who sits down in the seat behind you and proceeds to be louder than would be required in a jackhammer factory and then kick your seat.
3. Anyone who smells... or talks. Shut it.
Moving on, I go to see Benjamin Button, finally, and I'm super happy I only have to pay $8. Cause it's the middle of the day. Score. And I'm the first one in the theater, double-score, and then not one of the 20 or so people who come in decides to sit in any annoying fashion around me.
However, about 10 minutes into the movie, a couple comes in and sits in the row in front of me, against the left-most wall. They're whispering to each other the entire time, and I notice the girl is propped up on the guy's lap. Then the guy pulls out what looks like a camera/camcorder and turns on some bright ass light on it, then immediately turns it off. He then does it again. I thought they were going to record the film or something. But no. Two minutes later he takes pictures with it - I could hear the "camera clicking sound" that comes standard on all those things going off like crazy. Okay, this is awesome in an of itself. Two fucking idiots fucking around with a camera, talking like crazy, and sitting on each other's laps.
It gets better.
They start making out. Hard core. Loud noises. Gross. Really gross. They get shushed at one point by someone who was across the theater, but they probably didn't hear it over their slobbering. Then, I see them disappear into the row, where they are then sprawled out across a few seats, going at it and groping each other again. Awesome. These people quickly became my favorite people ever. They then reappear with the girl on top, and oh what's that? Oh, yep, that's what I think it is. It's grinding. Up and down grinding against the seat back and oh yep there's the moaning okay I'm getting my jacket and purse and getting out of here.
Because I am a good Park Slope citizen and do not stand for ugly people effing during Benjamin Button, I tell on those assholes and get a refund and get the fuck out of there. So officially, now the most annoying people in a theater are those douchebags who specifically go to the theater to eff each other and ruin my award-nominated film experience. With those talkers closely behind.
My only regret is that my 75% full bottle of pink Vitamin water was abandoned in my exiting rage. Sonofabitch.
Clearly, you can't.
Recap:
I go to see Benjamin Button today at the theater a few blocks from my apartment. Recently, I've been down on going to the movies in general in New York because of the low level of scum I come across more often than not. To diverge a little bit, here are the most annoying people in a theater, most annoying first:
1. A couple who comes in late with 3 shopping bags each, 2 coats and concessions decide to sit directly next to you even though there are tons of seats. And then proceed to talk throughout the entire movie.
2. A group who sits down in the seat behind you and proceeds to be louder than would be required in a jackhammer factory and then kick your seat.
3. Anyone who smells... or talks. Shut it.
Moving on, I go to see Benjamin Button, finally, and I'm super happy I only have to pay $8. Cause it's the middle of the day. Score. And I'm the first one in the theater, double-score, and then not one of the 20 or so people who come in decides to sit in any annoying fashion around me.
However, about 10 minutes into the movie, a couple comes in and sits in the row in front of me, against the left-most wall. They're whispering to each other the entire time, and I notice the girl is propped up on the guy's lap. Then the guy pulls out what looks like a camera/camcorder and turns on some bright ass light on it, then immediately turns it off. He then does it again. I thought they were going to record the film or something. But no. Two minutes later he takes pictures with it - I could hear the "camera clicking sound" that comes standard on all those things going off like crazy. Okay, this is awesome in an of itself. Two fucking idiots fucking around with a camera, talking like crazy, and sitting on each other's laps.
It gets better.
They start making out. Hard core. Loud noises. Gross. Really gross. They get shushed at one point by someone who was across the theater, but they probably didn't hear it over their slobbering. Then, I see them disappear into the row, where they are then sprawled out across a few seats, going at it and groping each other again. Awesome. These people quickly became my favorite people ever. They then reappear with the girl on top, and oh what's that? Oh, yep, that's what I think it is. It's grinding. Up and down grinding against the seat back and oh yep there's the moaning okay I'm getting my jacket and purse and getting out of here.
Because I am a good Park Slope citizen and do not stand for ugly people effing during Benjamin Button, I tell on those assholes and get a refund and get the fuck out of there. So officially, now the most annoying people in a theater are those douchebags who specifically go to the theater to eff each other and ruin my award-nominated film experience. With those talkers closely behind.
My only regret is that my 75% full bottle of pink Vitamin water was abandoned in my exiting rage. Sonofabitch.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Why I was not cast as the doppelganger for Blair Waldorf in the episode "It's a Wonderful Lie"
Because that girl was fugs.
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