Open letter to the houseboy

Dear Houseboy,

Hi, it's great to have you here at 511, aka The Castle. Please make yourself at home here. I know I have. I've also made it my work, so please respect that (no, I'm not unemployed you dimwit). As in, do not make noise over 10 decibels and stay in your room (the back laundry room--yes, I have a laundry ROOM) unless you are making me food, fixing appliances or picking up my mail for me. Or turning on the TV since I can't get up off the couch. In fact, let's talk later about which new TV at Best Buy in Chelsea I'd like to pick out and have delivered to my room.

As you recall in our initial interview, this is the perfect way to learn about the job and get your foot in the door. Yes, as of right now this is an "unpaid internship" (I don't know why I put that in quotes, it is in fact unpaid and also an internship), but there is room to grow. If you pay attention.

However, I've noticed some things I'd like to help you with. And since we don't speak except through electronic means, here are my suggestions typed neatly below:

1. You are not my boyfriend. And you never will be. But you will make me food and buy the groceries.
2. Please no longer use Crisco when making cookies. It seems better than using butter, but let's be honest, that shit blows. It tastes like a block of salt and the cookies don't rise properly. To be honest, I can't believe I have to even tell you this one.
3. I hate cilantro. However, I do like southwest-inspired dishes with the cilantro removed from the recipe or, if needed, picked out by hand from my Southwestern Cobb Salad from Dizzy's.
4. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT CLEANING UP. Your standards of cleaning are not my crazy anal standards of cleaning, so you better just resign yourself to learning my ways now. Also, yes, I can smell that. Take the trash out.
5. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT TURNING OFF THE STOVE BURNERS. If you don't turn them off properly then they. will. leak. gas. Are you trying to kill us don't answer that...
6. Don't touch my Breyer's Strawberry ice cream in the freezer.

I hope this clears up any miscommunication. Also, please bring me a HangOverBuster Super Juice cocktail (with soy) to my door within the hour.

Sincerely,
Princess Number One