It depends on the day

Subway turkey breast sammich with the fixin's plus Baked Doritos (eff yeah)
$5.13

Starbucks grande soy chai latte (best drink ever)
about $5

That makes me want to die. Though I do appreciate the splash stick they've implemented.

This also makes me sad and nauseous: Good luck trying to be middle-class, New Yorkers.

The art of the hug + cheek kiss

I'm going to admit a short-coming I have, right here, right now. I cannot elegantly do the hug plus cheek kiss. I know, can I walk and talk? Yes I can. What I can't figure out is how to couple the hug movement with the face movement in order to kiss the hugee yet allow the hugee to reciprocate the kiss, ie not moving your head to little or too much while still maintaining appropriate hug firmness.

Who thought of this idea anyway? Can't we just keep them separate? I almost prefer the French version which includes two cheek kisses. That way, the motion is deliberate and pretty much EVERYONE who does it has to concentrate, so any flubs are more easily forgiven.

The other issue is never being able to tell when the other person is going to do the cheek kiss. Sure, if you're a reporter meeting an actress at a downtown hotel/loft, then yes, it's safe to say you'll get the hug/cheek kiss. However, normal people never turn in for the kill until they're safely out of your peripheral.

So, I have a few rules I've decided to follow in this matter. I hope you will, too:

1. Never, EVER do the hug + cheek kiss. Ever. No matter what city you're in, no matter the custom. There's a moratorium on this, and it starts now.
2. When people do this move to you, make a big show of how much you don't like it. "Wow. Gross." is an appropriate response.
3. Or, make a big show of how much you don't "do that sort of thing." "Oh, okay, you do that? I don't really do that sort of thing." and then walk away and throw your coat elegantly on a chair. (note: if there are no chairs, throw the coat at the person you just hugged)
4. START doing a revised version of the hug. Hug the person tightly, rest your head slightly sideways on their shoulder, then exhale audibly. It'll show them how much you really want to be touching them.
5. or START doing an emotionally and physically detached version of the hug. When arriving at your destination, quickly mime a hug, blow an air-kiss, then sit down as quickly as possible before the person can put their hands on you.

Good luck!

COMING SOON: "YOU'RE NO SODERBERGH."

Just in time for the Oscars...

A new movie-review VLOG that's guaranteed to be dumber than you'd expect.

COMING SOON.

Only on APESHIT!!

Picture of the Day

babysitters4hire profile

April

	Basic Information
	ID#:	***153
	First Name:	April
	Gender:	Female
	Age:	23
	Height/Weight:	5' 10"
	Location:	Brooklyn, NY 11215
	Rate:	$40/hour
To view contact information, references and more: or
Experience
Nanny Experience:	No nanny experience
Babysitting Experience:	No babysitting experience
Level of Education:	Other
Certifications:	None
Spoken Languages:	Some English
Smokes:	Yes
Can Swim:	No - HATE water.
Driver's License:	No
Has Vehicle:	Can get one pretty easily, if you know what I mean.
Interests and Availability
Childcare Interests:	This babysitter would prefer to care for children ages 7+ with family sizes up to 1
Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun Early Morning (6a-9a) Late Morning (9a-12p) Early Afternoon (12p-3p) Late Afternoon (3p-6p) Early Evening (6p-9p) Late Evening (9-12) Overnight (12a-6a)
Need a babysitter now?	This babysitter is normally NOT available on short notice!
What makes you a fantastic, trusted, fun babysitter?
I don't know if you've noticed, but times are tough right now. Is babysitting my first choice when it comes to extra income? No. Was it my second, third, or, hell, fourth choice? Nope. But I found myself reading Time Out New York's fascinating article and here I am. I find this question to be leading. It assumes that I am, in fact, a fantastic, trusted and fun babysitter. I don't actually know this to be true, as (see above) I have no nannying or babysitting experience. What I do know is that television and video games are a 24-hour thing, and me coupled with that could possibly be an entertaining and mostly dangerous-less experience. Now, I have a question for you. How nice is your pad, prospective parents of my new money-maker? Is your fridge stocked? And, if not, can I have your Fresh Direct log-in information so I can promptly order the staples that I will require? Also, do you have wireless? Is the IP address on your computer trace-able? Pls let me know ASAP. Thx. Additionally, how loud is your kid? Does he or she tend to leak out of their nose? Are they house-trained? Do they sleep most of the day? Do they require meals? Do they require outside time? How many hours out of the day can I leave them unattended? OK back to me: In conclusion, kids are awesome! I totally want ONE of my own one day! Albeit one who's quiet and well-trained! I have a positive attitude and remain calm even in difficult situations! I'm also extremely punctual and follow the rules of the house! Let me be your babysitter today! NOTE: I am also available for house- and/or pet-sitting!!

AY, AY GIRL

HEY GIRL
How come your left eye looks so damn wonky? Also, why you tryin to be like Miley Cyrus? Ay, how you do dat?